An almost useful gringo guide to Bolivia – that time we spent 10 days in Bolivia and didn’t even get our stuff nicked

Lake Titikaka (brief tour) >> La Paz (3 nights) >> Pampas (2 nights) >> La Paz (2 nights) >> Uyuni Salt Flats tour (2 nights)

Original expectations of 10 days in Bolivia:

  • Get pickpocketed
  • Get mugged
  • Get shot
  • Get incredible pictures on the salt flats

Reality of 10 days in Bolivia:

  • Not being a victim of any crime
  • Struggling to walk up hills at altitude
  • Experiencing the most amazing downhill bike ride
  • Fishing whilst surrounded by nonchalent caimans
  • Swimming with dolphins whilst surrounded by nonchalent caimans
  • Throwing a dying pyranha at a caiman whilst surrounded by nonchalent caimans
  • Getting fairly underwhelming photos on the salt flats
  • Being surrounded by incredible scenery; huge mountains, vivid lagoons, active volcanoes, sprawling deserts

Puno (Peru) , Copacabana & Isla del Sol

The first stop en route to Bolivia, and our first night bus. Being a gangly 6ft4 gringo stuck on a night bus made me forget about the cost efficiency of being transported somewhere and being able to sleep at the same time. I had no choice but to assume the fetal position. We took a short boat ride on the Peruvian side of Lake Titikaka to the so-called “Floating Islands”, as opposed to, of course the ones that don’t float. There’s a group of people that live on the islands because generations before them realised they wouldn’t have to pay tax.

Definition of living off the grid

So we caught up with the island gypsies and their homes made of reeds, paired with their solar panels! The islands were small enough that you can indeed feel them floating.

More bussing to Copacabana for “Isla Del Sol” where we had the option of jumping on the top deck/roof of the small boat for the ride of unknown duration to the island. Us keeno Gringos jumped right up and it was Arctic up there with the wind, for an hour!! After a small hike on the island where a young boy chased me down for money for using the toilet, we opted to let the Gringos that missed out on the top deck last time ride shotgun!

Sara stop! Let’s take this photo so the rest of the gringos overtake us as get the seats on top of the boat waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

Isla Del Sol

Overall In Conclusion Mansell Experience Quick To-The-Point Travel Rating Points Score5

Perhaps marred by the rushed night bus tour approach, I still wasn’t dying to write home about Lake Titikaka, even though Titikaka is a great name that I love to say out loud frequently.

La Paz

I was so nervous about getting my stuff nabbed or being punched in the face. I carried around my normal phone and wallet, but I also had my almost matching decoy phone and wallet ready to hand over in case of robber emergency.

“GIMME YOUR STUFF”

“Oh, no, not my stuff. Not my old worthless phone, and my wallet with the expired Tesco clubcard nooooooooo”

“TO THE ATM YOU WITHDRAW MONEY”

Ahh crap I need to work on that bit.

Enjoy the Clubcard waaaaaaaaaaaaaah maaaaaaaaaate

From La Paz we took a tour to cycle down “Death Road”

Dayum

No “death” occurred, in fact it was an incredible downhill bike ride with seriously epic views. There were steep drops on the side of the road facing the valley, but the roads were wide enough to avoid “death”.

If I were Prime Minister of Bolivia I’d rename the road to “Actually not that bad, nice view road” or ANTBNVR for short.

In truth we didn’t do an awful lot more in La Paz because we stayed in a party hostel called Loki which was a bit of a black hole. Free drinks if you come to the bar, free drinks if you stay at the bar, more free drinks if you stay at the bar longer. It was great!

Yep, I got a free drink for wearing this.

We walked around the main areas, but because the city is at 2,800m above sea level, we looked like old aged pensioners who smoked 40 a day their entire lives anytime we went uphill. We did the free walking tour, took one of the cable cars that web across the city, and ate and drank with our newest travel fwiends.

Overall In Conclusion Mansell Experience Quick To-The-Point Travel Rating Points Score – 9

Enhanced by the fact that no death occurred, La Paz was frikkin awesome, mostly because of death road.. we missed out on watching local women wrestle and snorting copious amounts of coMichaelcaine

Bolivian Pampas

We decided to go check out nature, after a recommendation from some traveller dudes we met in Peru. We flew across the country, drove for a few hours, and there it was.. Nature. I couldn’t believe it.

Nay-Chur

We spent a lot of time cruising up and down rivers spying on caimans (at night we could see their eyes light up like jewels when we used the torch) and wondering why said caimans weren’t interested on snacking on the capybaras, the biggest rodent in the world. Capybara is notoriously difficult to say without using an Australian accent.

We had the opportunity to swim with the pink river dolphins, again, not eaten by the caimans. I’ve watched a lot of nature programs and expected real life nature to be brutal at times but nooooooooo. Every animal in the Pampas is clearly vegetarian. Sara took a swim “with the dolphins” but it was more of a swim with the caimans. She’s so brave. I stayed put in the boat. Too many nature programs.

We also went pyranha fishing. I enjoyed this a lot more than I expected. At one point, an Irish lady had great success, caught a pyranha then just crashed like a computer. I took charge of the situation but noticed the hook had pierced through the eye of the fish, it was really jammed. After ripping half of its face off, I wanted to put the fish out of it’s misery. I began to smash the rest of it’s head against the side of the boat over and over whilst shouting ” WHY WONT YOU JUST DIE” Pyranhas have spikey bellies and backs which added to the spectacle by making it really hard to grip. Eventually I asked the boat shall I just throw it at a caiman, to which they replied “Yes definitely” I was expecting it to be like the thing at the start of Return of the Jedi that eats everyone. What actually happened was I threw a direct shot with the fish landing on top of the caiman’s head, and the caiman did nothing. Nothing at all. I finally got to experience brutal nature, or at least I got to be brutal, in nature.

Not a pyranha, in hindsight I should’ve put the fish really close to the camera to make it look massive

Overall In Conclusion Mansell Experience Quick To-The-Point Travel Rating Points Score – 9

I’m glad we did nature.

Salt Flats

I tried to avoid setting any expectations for the salt flats. The flats were one stop on part of a 3 day tour and when we got there on day 1, we were blown away, it was too windy. No wait that’s not true, let me start again.

The salt flats were incredible. The elevation doesn’t vary by more than 1m over more than 10,000sq km whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. At some angles you can’t see anything but salt desert. At other angles it’s freakin volcanoes!

Loved it here.. also strippers aren’t allowed to squat and pee at the salt flats

We were looking forward to getting some funny snaps, but sadly our “guide” was a lazy, unenthusiastic shit. Even so, he couldn’t detract from the experience which legitamatiely blew our minds.

On the other days we spent most of our time in a fully packed Jeep, crusading through the desert like desperate paparazi ready to snap photos of unsuspecting landscapes. We stopped at lagoons which were different colours, because of biology and that. I expected the photos I’d seen of the lagoons to have been photoshopped to fake, overcoloured hell, but the water in the lagoons was actually amazingly vivid. At one lagoon, the water looked like water. It was because the wind wasn’t blowing and biology couldn’t do it’s thing.

Looking back, wowzas it was damn cool. The photos don’t capture how freaking windy it was though!

We also went to see a geysar field (I still don’t know how to say that ruddy word, is it “geezer” it can’t be, no way!). Lots of highlights here including a friendly Australian man falling into boggy, bubbling geysar muck which after realising he hadn’t been burned to death was hilarious.

After that, our “guide” dropped us at the border to Chile which was the most strict border we’d experienced. They were mostly checking for food and stuff but I shat myself when they got my drone out! It was fine in the end, just looooooooong. We also got to see some other darn gringos incredible salt flat photos and videos!! There’s a lesson there somewhere!

Don’t grow up 🙃

Overall In Conclusion Mansell Experience Quick To-The-Point Travel Rating Points Score – 8

Being cramped in a Jeep with as many gringos as humanly possible (see our name in the world record book) for the duration of the tour made me not give a 10. The landscapes were the best I’d ever seen. I guess it isn’t the landscapes fault there were too many people in the Jeep. Maybe I should give a 10. But then how does the system work? I guess scoring from my own experience makes most sense. So an 8 is right. Maybe “Overall In Conclusion Mansell Experience Quick To-The-Point Travel Rating Points Score” isn’t snappy enough.

Written by Jonny, currently alive and well in Chile.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s